Daily Self-Reflection & Personal Inventory - Has my disease been active?

Has my disease been active recently? In what way?

You know, I really like the wording of this question. The second question doesn't say "If so, in what way?" it says "In what way?". This makes me aware that even if I think that my disease hasn't been active recently that it really has. I need to always look at my life on a daily basis and figure out, how has this disease reared its ugly head. Is it ego? Is it patience? What about isolation and depression. All of these things I definitely struggle with on a daily basis.

I've heard it said many times in meetings that getting clean isn't for the feint of heart. This program takes courage and strength. It's really easy to get high. It's also easy to get clean. What is hard is staying clean and growing spiritually, mentally, maturity, and changing your life.

I wrote a few days ago how I thought that my ego might have effected my way of thinking a few days ago at a meeting. It was tough admitting that I had an ego issue. However being able to identify that with the help of this program and the people in it, I made the mistake of letting my ego run wild turn into a lesson and not a mistake. I learned from it, and I didn't let the disease take control.

Last night I learned that someone around in our area had 15 years or so clean, and they went back out. Got clean again for 9 months, and went back out again just last night. This just shows that even the 'old timers' can have a relapse and go out at any time. It scares me that if I don't actively work on recovery that I will eventually go back out. Who knows if I'll ever come back!

So back to the question. As it sits right now today, I'm not able to give a full response to the question. I know that I have my character defects and flaws. My disease is active on a daily basis. The thoughts of using, the depression, the lack of patience with others. It's all there everyday. What's important though is that I try my best to live a spiritual life and trust that my higher power is able to show me the way.

I really just hope that I keep an open mind to this program. I know that I need to surround myself with people that will call me out on my bullshit and tell me when my disease is showing. Also I need to do a personal inventory every day to see where I could have handled any situation I am in better, so that way I grow as a person. Living in my disease, having reservations, and just overall letting the spiritual void take over will never help me grow as a human being.

I honestly think this question should be asked on a daily basis. The answer will change on a daily basis, so there is no way I can answer this accurately. I just pray that I'm able to honestly answer this question and not hold back anything from myself.