Don't Enable The Active Addict

So, this post is being written with some pretty heated emotions... Well, I wouldn't say heated emotions, but just a lot of emotions all at once. I don't know really what to feel. Hurt? Used? Preyed upon? Anger? Frustration? Sadness? Joy and relief? It's all hitting me at once.

During my active addiction I would often try and run away from my emotions, and just cover them up with drugs and try not to feel. I would also try and drown out my sorrows by having sex with anything and everything that moved. I thought that sex might cheer me up, and make me loose the sense of reality even for just a little while, but I only realized that doing that didn't help either.

So, what happened today that has me so messed up? I'll use the words "they" and "their" to make sure that anonymity is still present, and to not assign a specific gender to this addict. An addict who I was very close to recently went back out and relapsed. Unfortunately this addict is going down in a flaming spiral, and is becoming extremely desperate. They asked me today if I would piss in a cup to help them save their job because of a drug test that might or might not come up. I felt pretty used. I felt as though this addict was preying on the new guy (me), hoping that I wouldn't know how to handle the situation properly and just end up giving in and saying sure.

I feel sadness today seeing this addict, one who I was very close to, just have their life flipped on their head. I'm thankful that I was able to talk to my sponsor, and vent to him after the fact, and I'm proud of myself for being able to stand up and say "No!". This is like a moral thing that I can't do, not to mention I'm fairly certain it's illegal. I'm trying to live an honest program now, and I'm actually putting forth some serious effort in my recovery. I'm joyful that I'm not in this addicts shoes, and that I'm able to be strong enough to say no.

I'm not trying to belittle this addict or their actions, however this came from no where and was completely floored. I'm angry and frustrated that this addict would even consider me in doing such a thing. I am just speechless beyond words. I feel as though if I post about this, the next addict who runs across this same issue might be able to understand that this is not ok for anyone to ask and that the addict who is asking this is trying to escape 'life on life's terms'. You are under no obligation to help this addict live a dishonest program, life, or otherwise.

I felt like using today because of this. I felt like trying to escape all of these emotions and just fucking my problems away. I've also felt like today that it might not be best that I go to any meetings because I might run into this addict. It's been a horrible day. I know that going to a meeting tonight is definitely the best thing for me, and that I will be supported by other addicts inside the room, even if they don't know the whole story. It's something I absolutely need to voice, and absolutely need to get off my chest.

The Just For Today was talking about prayer:

"Learning to pray is simple. We ask for "knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." By doing that, we find the direction we lacked and the strength we need to fulfill our God's will."

I believe that God, my higher power of my understanding, was able to help me have the power to carry out his will today by telling this addict no. I feel as though prayer is kind of corny sometimes and I don't fully understand how it works, however it definitely has helped me just refocus my day and be able to be productive.

I've got my food stamps sorted out, the unauthorized charge in my bank account reversed, and I'm going to a doctors appointment right after posting this to help guide me on some health decisions that need to be made. This day will not be ruined! I'm going to continue on this day with the understanding that I'm clean, just for today, and thats what really matters.

"A moment of silence for the still suffering addict inside and outside of these rooms, followed by the we version of the serenity prayer. 'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'"