Obsessive Impulse Thinking

"What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe" ~ Step Working Guide p. 2

This is a great question. Honestly, I haven't ever though about a pattern whenever it comes to my obsessive thinking. However lets start with the first question.

Whenever I'm obsessed with something it feels like I have horse blinders on. It's like I can only focus on that one thing. I can really get obsessed with anything, good or bad. This obsession can be a double edged sword.

For example, when I'm in a relationship, I get very clingy and obsessed with the other person. I can't let them go and I always have to be in control. If I'm not in control, I feel like the whole world around me is crumbling to pieces.

On the other end of the spectrum, I can get obsessed with good things like cleaning. Too much cleaning just makes me loose focus on what else is going on around me. I get frustrated with the people that are around me because they aren't cleaning up to my unreasonable and ridiculously high standards.

The pattern that I see commonly emerging from obsession in my life is an unwillingness to let go. This closed minded sense of thinking might not hurt me in the short term, but in the long term it hurts more and more. I start to loose the things that I want so much to hold onto. Obsession starts to cloud my judgement and makes reasonable thinking near impossible.

Whenever I obsessed over drugs, I would always make sure that things lined up just perfectly. I couldn't ever just take a breath for a minute for fear that things would just fall apart, when in reality they wouldn't. I would go pick up at any time during the day and I would focus my entire day on my drug dealers schedule. I wouldn't ever think about what was best for me and my survival, I would always think about what was best for picking up more drugs.

I would always act on impulse, short term thinking. I would never think about my future anywhere past a few days. I knew that people around me were dying from drugs but the obsession of getting high always clouded my judgement. I knew that I was either going to die from my drug use, or just be locked up forever.

Now that I'm in recovery, I'm trying to focus my life on good things like surrounding myself with people in recovery, making sure that I'm reading the Just for Today every morning before I even get out of bed, and just taking life one day at a time. I'm trying not to obsess over my work life, or my recovery life. I'm focusing more on the long term goals, and having the patience to achieve them. It's a tough struggle every day.

I'm not really sure how else to answer this question. All I know is that I ask my higher power every day for guidance in my daily tasks. To keep on track I make sure that I have somewhat of a balanced plan for my day and life. For example, today I'm sitting at Starbucks and I'm focusing my day on making this blog better, and working on my Step Work. Tomorrow will be church and focusing on filling my spiritual void. I'm not obsessing over any one thing anymore, and I'm trying to remain well rounded.

Who knows what tomorrow holds. We shall see!