Reflections & Caramel Macchiato's

"As recovering addicts, we find that we are still dependent, but our dependence has shifted from the things around us to a loving God and the inner strength we get in our relationship with him." ~ Just For Today p. 293

So the Just for Today is about rebellion, dependence, and coming to believe in a power greater then ourselves. You know, it's really interesting. Every day I read this Just for Today I always feel as though that it's speaking to me in one way or another. That the Just for Today was written just for me, and whats going on in my life.

I've been struggling for a number of years with rebellion. So let's start there. At the age of 16 my parents split up. Looking back on the situation it was definitely for the best. I feel as though if they didn't split up that the abuse from my father, both emotional and physical, would have gotten worse. After they split I began to start rebelling. Skipping school, yelling at my mother and father, not talking to either of them for a long time, etc. It was just a nightmare for me that my world, at the age of 16, was flipped on its head.

I started drinking at the age of 16 pretty heavily. I had some friends in my school that were able to get me some booze. I remember I got so drunk one night and wrote on my wall this HUGE poem. It was ridiculous. I wish I still had a picture of it. That ended up costing my mother her security deposit on the apartment. I didn't realize it at the time, but my rebellion was starting to effect my family and those people around me. I didn't care about anything but myself and started to only depend on myself to get me through the day.

Fast forward to the age of 23, I now was a full blown addict, getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. I didn't trust anyone but myself, and my sense of reality was so skewed that my relationship with both my mother and father was practically non-existent. I felt this void that I couldn't fill up no matter how many drugs I used or how many "friends" I had. There was no spiritual connection with any higher power, and my belief in a God was so far removed from my mind that I never thought that I would recover my life to any sense of normal.

"Dependence on a Higher Power would not limit us, we discovered; it would free us." ~ Basic Text p. 71

Now let's fast forward again to 26. I'm now in recovery and my sense of open-mindedness is returning to normal. I'm open to the idea that my higher power, whatever that might be, has a plan for me. That plan could be set in stone, or it could not be. Who really knows. I've had guns held to my face, I've been robbed, cheated on, beaten up, gotten into car accidents high as hell, and walked away without any consequences.

Something bigger then me had to have been looking out for me. There has to be something out there. I don't know what it is. I think that figuring that out is a life long quest. I won't really know if there is a higher power or not, but this is where faith comes in. Even in our literature, it says "a God of our own understanding". This program doesn't force us to believe in a Christian sense of God, it teaches us rather to be openminded to new things and come to depend on a higher power greater then ourselves.

We [addicts] are given so many suggestions in the beginning of recovery. One of which is to just focus on today, be openminded, and be thankful that right now this second we're clean. That's a super hard thing to do sometimes for me. I usually get caught up in what I'm doing, and this self-centered disease makes it hard to look past the problems of my life and just be grateful.

Today, I'm grateful that I'm alive. I know that without my higher power, whatever that might be, that I wouldn't be alive today. I thought for sure I would have ended up dead like so many of my friends around me, and or retired in prison. This program has changed my life, but I had to be willing to have an open mind to new things and be honest with myself and those around me.