Reflections On Tonight's Meeting

Just got home from tonight's meeting. Definitely trying to get some people to hold me accountable for this blog. I never in my entire life ever followed through with something long term. I have always thought in the short term. Always. I'm trying to change my way of life in order to keep clean.

So, the three topics for tonight's meeting were:

1. Anger
2. Your Last Run
3. Living In The Solution

These are some great topics and all three of them have a common theme to which I'll get to that in a minute. Let's first talk about anger. It's something I've personally struggled with all my life. Seeing my father be quick to anger and quick to snap I think was the reason why I thought anger was an ok emotion to have. I know that when I was in active addiction anger was the first emotion I had when things didn't go my way. It was tough to remain calm. My motto was "I do what I want", that was including acting how I wanted, no matter if it was right or wrong. I really didn't use my head at all in any situation as the drugs clouded both my judgement and my emotions.

Later on in recovery, I now see that taking the time to count to ten, or reciting the serenity prayer was a good way to reflect on how I should act, and not act out on impulse. Acting out on impulse always led to me getting in trouble. Either with the law, or in my relationships, or even with my job. It was always a negative consequence when I did so.

On my last run, I remember that I was awake for 14 days straight. At that point my body started hallucinating things that weren't real, so reality for me was completely blurred. I have major moments of my last run that are just a complete blank to me. I remember that I was trying to give my ex-girlfriend some of her clothes. I ended up backing up into her when she was getting things out of the trunk of my car. Her ex boyfriend was there, and there was possibly a gun involved? After that, all i remember is cops putting handcuffs on me and taking me to jail. I was in jail detoxing off of meth for 9 days. When I went to jail i weighed 110 pounds, with clothes on, and I'm 6' tall. Sickening now that i look back on it.

I was angry, at her, at the cops, at my life, and at everything. As you can probably tell, I was acting on straight impulse and distorted emotions and reality. Anger has always failed me. Nothing good has ever come out of it.

Now that I'm clean, and Living In The Solution, I'm learning that the Narcotics Anonymous Program is actually much simpler then I first thought it was. When I first entered the program I thought that the steps were some long drawn out complicated process made to 'cure' me. I didn't view the steps as a way of life. There are small little tools, like the serenity prayer that when applied correctly can help in situations where a clear path isn't defined.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."

For example, just recently I had an issue at work with another co-worker. We started arguing about an issue that was not really that important. I calmly said to myself under my breath the serenity prayer. I counted to ten, and then proceeded the conversation with a renewed sense of what to say, and how to say it without acting on impulse or anger. This Narcotics Anonymous program gives you the tools, and the corny sayings, and the suggestions that help you through your daily life. It's not just a program for addicts to remain clean by following some steps, it's a way of life that when taken seriously and effort is put forth, will only help the addict who is still suffering.

"When at the end of the road, what is there left to do?"

Some suggestions made to me when I first started coming around the Narcotics Anonymous Meetings were awkward for me. Why? Because it's something new. As a general note, addicts don't like things not in there control. We also don't like change, or new things. We like our routine. I know I did. The first time I came around I didn't apply the suggestions to my life, and I ended up going back out and using again. (More on that at a later time) Think about it, with people that have years clean and all their experience under their belt, why wouldn't I listen to them? It was because I wasn't open-minded to a new way of life. Not being open-minded only hurt me in the end.

Heres some of the suggestions given to me when I first started coming around:

• Go to 90 meetings in 90 days, if that seems like a big order just go to a meeting a day, and let your higher power do the rest.
• If you miss a meeting, thats ok, don't beat yourself up over it, but definitely don't make it a habit of skipping meetings!
• Get numbers and use them
• This doesn't mean get the number of the hot guy/girl in the group, this means get some numbers of some people of the same gender as you and call them on a daily basis. Yes daily. Talking to someone is easy. Even if you just say "Hey, I don't know why I'm calling, just want to connect and say I was thinking of you." That might sound corny, but that one phone call might mean the world to the other person, or maybe even prevent the other person from using that day.
• No relationships in the first year.
• This one is big. Focus on your recovery, not sexual impulses. Sex will still be there in a year, relax and focus on yourself and your recovery! This is a life or death situation. Treat it as such and put forth some effort!
• Get a sponsor
• This is critical, you absolutely must do this. This might be the hardest thing to do when you're first coming around to NA meetings. Just remember some key things though about the person you choose. Make sure they have a sponsor themselves, and make sure they are living the program and not just coming to meetings and goofing off. Also make sure that they have completed all the steps, and have a firm grasp on how to work the steps. Whenever people raise their hands in the meetings saying they are willing to be a sponsor, go up to them and talk to them after the meeting. You don't have to keep the same sponsor for years and years. If the first sponsor doesn't work out, thats ok! A temporary sponsor might be what you need to get started!
• Get a homegroup
• Definitely do this! It's going to give you something to look forward to each week! You'll meet some awesome people and it will help you by being accountable to the group. It will also get you out of the house for the day/night. Just by showing up early to help set up tables, and staying late to help clean up, you will feel a sense of purpose. Get involved, and surround yourself with people that are living in the solution.
• Work the steps
• This one is obvious, and make sure to do it with a sponsor!
• Read the literature
• Get the following books and read them! Even if you've never read a book in your life. I know that I've only finished the Harry Potter Series, and never put any effort into reading something to increase my life skills. Trust me, you will start to find inspiration, strength, and hope in these books. They really are an eye opener. Don't forget to grab the IP's (The little pamphlets on the table, those ones are usually free!)
• It Works: How & Why
• The Step Working Guide
• The NA Basic Text

Always remember that you're surrounded by people who have been there and done that. The people in the groups are there to provide a listening ear. Just make sure you have a listening ear when they talk too! You might learn a thing or two! :)

Hope that this post helps someone new out there, or even someone who's been around for a while. Sometimes even I forget how bad it really got. As it says in the Just For Today the easy part is getting clean, the hard part is staying clean. Only through faith in our higher power, can we remain clean!

Check out my post on the Just For Today here for a more in-depth look at the JFT.