Being Content with Loneliness

"With the love that I am shown in Narcotics Anonymous, I have no excuse for loneliness" ~ Just For Today p. 300

So I'm writing this post on my laptop while riding the bus. It's kind of funny all the looks that I'm getting while I'm just sitting here typing away. However, I have nothing else better to do and my phone needs charging so, here I sit.

You know loneliness is a pretty easy thing to come by. I can't tell you how many times I've isolated myself from others during my active addiction. It was a fairly common thing to stay in, ignore people, and just use my drugs. Even when I was in the midst of other people I felt lonely. It was a pretty difficult thing for me to relate to anyone that didn't use drugs.

When I first joined the Narcotics Anonymous program, I really didn't know how to act socially. It was something extremely foreign to me. I remember that I didn't really understand people or their emotions, mainly because the 'fog' that the drugs caused prevented me from realizing social cues. Everyone at work usually hated me for reasons unknown to me at the time, that is even if I showed up to work.

I really hated going out of my house, mainly because I just wanted to escape reality and I wanted to just be able to be free of judgement. I felt as though the world was a cruel and fucked up place to live in, and all I wanted to do was die. I was too chicken shit to actually do anything about killing myself though. I instead was slowly killing myself with drugs. What a painful and agonizing way to go.

In recovery, I'm blessed to see that my view of the world has changed. I'm no longer lonely. I might sometimes not understand people because I don't honestly have that much experience dealing with people, but I'm slowly learning. I now enjoy going to work, very much so. It's amazing that the people at work are actually excited to see me, and say hello to me first! It's a refreshing experience knowing that I belong and know that I'm welcomed.

I also feel the same way in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous. Whenever someone comes to me and says hello, or greets me at the door and remembers my name it always puts a smile on my face. Even if the action of the other person is a simple smile or wave from across the room, it makes me feel like I finally belong somewhere.

A great way that I have found to start making new consistent friends is by getting a home group. This has given me purpose once a week, where I can be of service to the other members of the Narcotics Anonymous program. I'm able to stand by the door, and welcome people and give the same sense of belonging I feel back to everyone.

I am just thankful today that I'm 121 days clean. That number might be small, but it's also very large. Every day is just one step to the rest of my life. I'm moving forward, without drugs, and I'm making strides! I am being considered for promotion at my job! This is an amazing feat! In my 10 years of working various jobs, everything from fast food, to transportation, it is the first time I'm every even being considered for a promotion! I'm seeing the good in being sober finally come to light. Granted, I'm not saying that there aren't struggles along the path of sobriety, but it's just one day at a time. I realize that tomorrow is a new day, and that if I'm having a bad day today, that doesn't mean tomorrow is also going to be a bad day.

Just For Today: I am thankful for the friendships my Higher Power has given me in Narcotics Anonymous. Because of them, I am lonely no more.