Recovering Through Open-Mindedness

So, it's been a while since my last post. Unfortunately, I have to find a new sponsor, and so because of this I'm putting the blog on a hold. I don't want to complete any step work without a sponsor as step work is supposed to be done with  a sponsor. I'm sure that soon enough I will find someone who is a good fit for me, and is able to be my sponsor for a while. For now however, I will be trying to post every once in a while on the daily Just for Today  readings. So let's go ahead and start. "When we honestly tell our own story, someone else may identify with us" ~ Just for Today p. 330 Today's reading is about being honest and truthful when telling your own story. It also brings up pride, and humility. When we are asked to talk in front of a meeting, or a convention it usually is always this premeditated thought process of what we're going to say, however as soon as we start talking, usually things never come out how we plan. The key here,...

"We can also use the steps to improve our attitudes." ~ Just for Today p. 314 After yet again not doing my step work like I should I can definitely feel like my life is starting to derail a bit. My tooth is also hurting extremely bad lately. Side effects of being a meth addict I guess. *shrug* It hurts. Ow... :( So this Just for Today  is a really good one. I love the fact that it's basically saying what I've been saying for many months now: "The only real choice that you have is your own actions, and who you're friends with."  You know I really think that making the decision to delete everyone out of my phone that was not Family, Work, or NA  has helped me further myself in life. It's removed the temptation to hit someone up from my past and try to start back up with old habits. Working Step One is a little difficult for me right now. I'm having issues with my room mate not cleaning his side of the room, and I'm having to check my atti...

So after a long time away from doing step work, and outlined in my last post, I feel as though my recovery has been at a stand still and it's starting to affect many areas in my life. I'm getting back on the saddle and hoping that by doing so, I'm able to start recognizing some of my character defects and hopefully be able to work on them and fix them. "Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?" ~ Step Working Guide p. 2  So I honestly didn't know what this question was asking when I first looked at it, however this question can also be worded as "Have I lied about the reasons for my behavior?". Obviously. Whether the reasons might have been plausible or not, they are untrue, which means I've lied. Throughout my life I have lied about many issues, always blaming the drugs, or blaming someone else for my own actions. There have been so many lies that quite honestly, if I listed them all I would take up so...

"... we understand that the world's condition wasn't really the problem. It was our ideas and attitudes about the world that made it impossible for us to find a comfortable place in it." ~ Basic Text p. 55 You know, I was thinking about this today before I even read the Just for Today. It was pretty interesting that this was the topic for the Just for Today . I said a few weeks ago that I don't believe in coincidences anymore, and I'm coming to realize that if I open my eyes to the view around me that things usually are connected to each other in one way or another. So today was a pretty rough one. Unfortunately I can't say much because I don't want to violate our traditions and anonymity principals of the Narcotics Anonymous program. So, I'll just talk about the Just for Today . "Our attitudes and our ideas are the eyeglasses through which we see our lives. If our "glasses" are smudged or dirty, our lives look dim. If our atti...

So before I start answering this question, I actually had to look up the difference between 'effect' and 'affect'. For those of you who don't know, like I did, effect is commonly used as a noun, to show impact and or the result of something. Affect is commonly a verb and is used to show influence over something. You can affect something, and observe the effect of the affect. "You can't affect the creepy poem by reading it, but you can enjoy the effect of a talking bird." Just a little tid-bit of information for your day. "How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?" ~ NA Step Working Guide p. 2 Physically So over my years of drug use and abuse, I've affected my life physically in more ways then one. I've done many different types of drugs from hallucinogens like 25i-Nbome, to mood altering substances like MDMA. Pretty much every common drug except PCP, crack, and heroin. Each substance affected...

"Just for Today: I will set my own house in order. Today, I will examine my part in the problems of my life. If I owe amends, I will make them." ~ Just for Today p. 295 The title really does say it all. How many times have I not claimed responsibility of my own actions and tried to blame others for my own problems. That "look at the log in your own eye before you look at the splinter in someone else's" really stands out today. It's a difficult road accepting responsibility... but in the long run its necessary if I ever want to grow as a person... as a human being. I have focused so many times on other peoples problems, and focused less on mine. I guess thats mainly because I didn't want to accept the fact that I was human, and that I had problems in my life. I felt as though if I had problems in my life that I would be looked down upon and that I would be thought of as a piece of shit. However, not owning up to my own problems, and the part/role I ta...

"How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?" ~ NA Step Working Guide p. 2 Ahhhhhh yes, self-centeredness. The first thing that comes to my mind is also ego. I know that these are major character defects and I believe that they go hand in hand with each other. I'm always thinking about me, and how I can satisfy myself all the time, and how I can put myself above you. During my active addiction I would always say "I do what I want". It was sort of my slogan and motto. I never really cared about what I did, and this false sense of freedom that this gave me made me feel invincible. It was really tough to center myself and look at those around me and how my actions would affect them.  I have to admit that I really was completely out of control of my life. Even though I thought I had complete control, I really didn't. I was always thinking of me. The prime examples of this self-centeredness was mainly when ...

So I'm writing this post on Saturday October 7th, but I'm scheduling it for the future. I'm going to be doing this more often as to not overload my readers with too many posts and too much information on one single day. I'm going to limit my posts I believe to two per day depending on what the post is about and the length of it. Now onwards to the actual post! "When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?" ~ NA Step Working Guide p. 2  So, this question makes me really think. It's a difficult one to answer for myself, but yet its so easy. The short answer: Yes I do. As an addict I'm always thinking of the short-term and how to satisfy my need for short-term satisfaction. In my active addiction I was always going super fast, and never slowed down to think about how my actions would effect myself, the people around me, or the things around me. I always want...

"What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe" ~ Step Working Guide p. 2 This is a great question. Honestly, I haven't ever though about a pattern whenever it comes to my obsessive thinking. However lets start with the first question. Whenever I'm obsessed with something it feels like I have horse blinders on. It's like I can only focus on that one thing. I can really get obsessed with anything, good or bad. This obsession can be a double edged sword. For example, when I'm in a relationship, I get very clingy and obsessed with the other person. I can't let them go and I always have to be in control. If I'm not in control, I feel like the whole world around me is crumbling to pieces. On the other end of the spectrum, I can get obsessed with good things like cleaning. Too much cleaning just makes me loose focus on what else is going on around me. I get frustrated with the people that are around...

"As recovering addicts, we find that we are still dependent, but our dependence has shifted from the things around us to a loving God and the inner strength we get in our relationship with him." ~ Just For Today p. 293 So the Just for Today  is about rebellion, dependence, and coming to believe in a power greater then ourselves. You know, it's really interesting. Every day I read this Just for Today  I always feel as though that it's speaking to me in one way or another. That the Just for Today  was written just for me, and whats going on in my life. I've been struggling for a number of years with rebellion. So let's start there. At the age of 16 my parents split up. Looking back on the situation it was definitely for the best. I feel as though if they didn't split up that the abuse from my father, both emotional and physical, would have gotten worse. After they split I began to start rebelling. Skipping school, yelling at my mother and father, not ...

We have a choice between justice and mercy. Which will you choose? "Many of us have difficulty admitting that we caused harm for others... We cut away our justification and our ideas of being a victim." ~ Just For Today  p. 291 The Just for Today  reading is definitely a big one. In one hand we have justice, and in the other hand we have mercy. Mercy is often viewed as weak, inferior, and always ends in the person that was wronged never getting any reciprocation for how they were wronged. Justice is viewed as superior, the right way and the fair way, and usually ends in the person who was wronged getting even with the person that wronged them. Most people forget that whenever they are the ones doing the wrong, they never want justice to be enacted upon themselves. They always want mercy for their wrong-doings. That double standard is what causes so much controversy on this subject. "But if we take a look back on our own behavior, we may find that we've been...

Has my disease been active recently? In what way? You know, I really like the wording of this question. The second question doesn't say "If so, in what way?" it says "In what way?". This makes me aware that even if I think that my disease hasn't been active recently that it really has. I need to always look at my life on a daily basis and figure out, how has this disease reared its ugly head. Is it ego? Is it patience? What about isolation and depression. All of these things I definitely struggle with on a daily basis. I've heard it said many times in meetings that getting clean isn't for the feint of heart. This program takes courage and strength. It's really easy to get high. It's also easy to get clean. What is hard is staying clean and growing spiritually, mentally, maturity, and changing your life. I wrote a few days ago how I thought that my ego might have effected my way of thinking a few days ago at a meeting. It was tough admit...