Self-Centeredness & Ego Go Hand In Hand

"How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?" ~ NA Step Working Guide p. 2

Ahhhhhh yes, self-centeredness. The first thing that comes to my mind is also ego. I know that these are major character defects and I believe that they go hand in hand with each other. I'm always thinking about me, and how I can satisfy myself all the time, and how I can put myself above you.

During my active addiction I would always say "I do what I want". It was sort of my slogan and motto. I never really cared about what I did, and this false sense of freedom that this gave me made me feel invincible. It was really tough to center myself and look at those around me and how my actions would affect them.

 I have to admit that I really was completely out of control of my life. Even though I thought I had complete control, I really didn't. I was always thinking of me. The prime examples of this self-centeredness was mainly when I was cheating on my girlfriend. It was probably one of the worst things I've done in my life. I've cheated on every girlfriend I've ever had. Not once was I in a relationship where I was loyal to the one I supposedly 'loved'. This self-centeredness always ended the relationship.

I've hurt my family as well by my self-centeredness. I've never once celebrated Mother's Day or Father's Day. I never even bought a .99 cent card just expressing my thanks for all the things they have done for me. I have always though about the negative things that they did, or at least the perceived negative things. Birthday's too! Not once have I bought a gift for my mom, or my dad.

Whenever I'm self-centered I always have this inflated ego like I'm better then you, or anyone around you. I feel as though you are smaller then me and I'm focused on myself and how I can beat you at whatever it is we're doing. Whether that was work, or play, it didn't matter. I wanted to win and make you feel like shit. It's such a negative character defect of mine that I'm having to look back now and I can even see my self-centeredness in things I've done last week!

I've hurt so many people around me by not thinking of them, there's just too many situations to remember. I think that the purpose of the program is to remember those things, but not to dwell on them. What's happened in the past is the past, and what I need to focus on is the future.

There is a healthy sense of self-centeredness in my recovery. I need to put myself and my recovery first before anyone or anything else. If I don't, then the chance that I return to active addition increases exponentially. Living with my recovery first might be self-centered, but a necessary aspect of my life.

So, in the NA meetings we share on what we want to do to about our problem. So, what I want to do is become less self-centered. This is a process. By taking a daily inventory on my character defects I'm able to reflect on how I could have been less self-centered in my life that day and what I can do to improve it. I also will try to surround myself with people who are living the program and are going to active call me out on my self-centeredness. I'll also talk to my sponsor about this subject in more detail to gain from his experience, strength and hope.