Short-term Thinking

So I'm writing this post on Saturday October 7th, but I'm scheduling it for the future. I'm going to be doing this more often as to not overload my readers with too many posts and too much information on one single day. I'm going to limit my posts I believe to two per day depending on what the post is about and the length of it. Now onwards to the actual post!

"When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?" ~ NA Step Working Guide p. 2

 So, this question makes me really think. It's a difficult one to answer for myself, but yet its so easy. The short answer: Yes I do. As an addict I'm always thinking of the short-term and how to satisfy my need for short-term satisfaction.

In my active addiction I was always going super fast, and never slowed down to think about how my actions would effect myself, the people around me, or the things around me. I always wanted to get high, and I justified my addiction by working as often as I could. That way I had the excuse of "I'm working, so I must not be that bad of an addict", but most of my money if not all of my money was going to drugs and the process of getting drugs. It was no way to live.

I had no future, no dreams, no aspirations, no nothing. I was acting and living in the moment without thinking about the long-term. Now that I'm in recovery and putting forth effort into it and not giving sub-par effort I'm living in the moment, but I'm making sure to also think about the long term goals and consequences of my actions.

So recently I've been thinking about becoming a manager at my job. So I initially acted upon this thought immediately by talking to my manager about it. However I haven't actually thought about the consequences of it other then getting more money per hour. I'm not thinking fully of the increase of hours, more responsibility, and the fact that as a manager I would be looked up to as a role model. This is probably because I have a fear of all of these things. Fear definitely holds back my full, well-rounded thinking and frame of mind.

To answer the second question, I'll dive into my past relationships because it's probably the best example of this. When in active addiction I would consistently cheat on my current girlfriend at the time. I would always act on impulse and never think about the long term. I wanted to have sex with anything and everything that moved. My girlfriends feelings never ever crossed my mind. This is where the self-centeredness of the disease shows up.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." ~ The Serenity Prayer

This simple but easy to remember prayer is what is helping me not to act on impulse, and to think about the future of my actions. Even if it doesn't pertain to the situation, this simple 10 second pause to pray to the higher power of my understanding gives me enough time to rethink my actions. Its hard to catch myself sometimes when I'm in the heat of the moment, but I'm getting better at pausing and re-thinking.

This is a lesson that I'm slowly learning in recovery. This program is teaching me so much about how to be patient and to think ahead. Being grateful in all aspects of my life. This program really isn't for the feint of heart. I can see that this is going to be a struggle on a daily basis. I just keep thinking however that I know this program will do nothing but to help me in the long run.

I mean if all these other addicts can get their shit together why can't I? Clearly the program works. Now I just have to put in the work myself and reap the benefits of the program that I sow.