The Denial of Addiction

So after a long time away from doing step work, and outlined in my last post, I feel as though my recovery has been at a stand still and it's starting to affect many areas in my life. I'm getting back on the saddle and hoping that by doing so, I'm able to start recognizing some of my character defects and hopefully be able to work on them and fix them.

"Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?" ~ Step Working Guide p. 2

 So I honestly didn't know what this question was asking when I first looked at it, however this question can also be worded as "Have I lied about the reasons for my behavior?". Obviously. Whether the reasons might have been plausible or not, they are untrue, which means I've lied.

Throughout my life I have lied about many issues, always blaming the drugs, or blaming someone else for my own actions. There have been so many lies that quite honestly, if I listed them all I would take up so much space on this post that you'd get through the 100th paragraph and just give up reading it. So, I'm not going to answer the second part of this question in one post. I'll touch upon situations where I've lied when they come up in other posts.

Lying... Man have I done that a lot. I've used lying to manipulate situations in my favor, I've lied to gain financial 'security', and to even get sexual intimacy. Because of the disease of addiction, the drugs didn't give me a clear picture of reality or morality. I would lie to get my way, effectively becoming more and more self-centered.

This program is about the 'H.O.W.'. Honesty, Open-Mindedness, and Willingness. It's through willingness to be open-minded to new ways of life that are allowing me to live more honestly. Honesty in my life has gotten me to places that I never thought were possible. I didn't realize that just by being honest, people would respect me more. Even if that honesty was admitting that I was wrong, or that I messed up, people would over look (in some cases) my mistakes and see that by making an honest effort to admit my own wrongs that I'm trying to be a better person.

Emotional honesty is really difficult for me. Being able to be honest how I feel, and being able to identify the emotion that I'm feeling, helps me grow as a person. How? Well, half the battle is realizing that emotions are not going to kill me. I wanted to kill all emotions and become a robot during my active addiction. I didn't want to feel anything.

I was ultimately lying to myself. I wasn't honest with myself that I even had an addiction problem. I guess the major way this effected me was by thinking I could successfully use cannabis and still 'be clean'. This was a huge revelation when I became honest with myself and told myself 'No, you can't do this.'.

I think that by writing this blog, I'm able to pour out my honesty onto 'paper'. I'm not perfect. I still lie. However I'm trying my hardest to catch myself when I do and promptly admit my wrongs and make amends to the person I've lied to. This includes making amends to myself if I'm lying to myself.

This is a one day program and a life time program. Just for today, I'm going to actively try my best through the strength of my higher power to not lie to those around me, including myself.