Recovering Through Open-Mindedness

"We can also use the steps to improve our attitudes." ~ Just for Today p. 314 After yet again not doing my step work like I should I can definitely feel like my life is starting to derail a bit. My tooth is also hurting extremely bad lately. Side effects of being a meth addict I guess. *shrug* It hurts. Ow... :( So this Just for Today  is a really good one. I love the fact that it's basically saying what I've been saying for many months now: "The only real choice that you have is your own actions, and who you're friends with."  You know I really think that making the decision to delete everyone out of my phone that was not Family, Work, or NA  has helped me further myself in life. It's removed the temptation to hit someone up from my past and try to start back up with old habits. Working Step One is a little difficult for me right now. I'm having issues with my room mate not cleaning his side of the room, and I'm having to check my atti...

So after a long time away from doing step work, and outlined in my last post, I feel as though my recovery has been at a stand still and it's starting to affect many areas in my life. I'm getting back on the saddle and hoping that by doing so, I'm able to start recognizing some of my character defects and hopefully be able to work on them and fix them. "Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?" ~ Step Working Guide p. 2  So I honestly didn't know what this question was asking when I first looked at it, however this question can also be worded as "Have I lied about the reasons for my behavior?". Obviously. Whether the reasons might have been plausible or not, they are untrue, which means I've lied. Throughout my life I have lied about many issues, always blaming the drugs, or blaming someone else for my own actions. There have been so many lies that quite honestly, if I listed them all I would take up so...

So unfortunately I have been loosing focus on what truly matters in recovery, and that is recovery in and of itself. I've become complacent in many ways and it's starting to show in my life. I'm becoming less tolerant of others, not listening, and not taking the suggestions of those around me. Honestly I've been focusing on work so much that I've completely forgotten that I am still sick with the disease of addiction. Work is going extremely well. Usually, as it is the case with most addicts, when things start going well we often start having the thoughts of 'Oh well, I can skip that meeting, I'll just catch the next one', or 'I'll just do some step work later when I get home' and then never getting around to it. This in it's purest form is the 'voice of addiction' telling me that I don't have a problem, when in all reality I do. "Our disease gives us warped information about what's going on in our lives." ~ ...

So, this post is being written with some pretty heated emotions... Well, I wouldn't say heated emotions, but just a lot of emotions all at once. I don't know really what to feel. Hurt? Used? Preyed upon? Anger? Frustration? Sadness? Joy and relief? It's all hitting me at once. During my active addiction I would often try and run away from my emotions, and just cover them up with drugs and try not to feel. I would also try and drown out my sorrows by having sex with anything and everything that moved. I thought that sex might cheer me up, and make me loose the sense of reality even for just a little while, but I only realized that doing that didn't help either. So, what happened today that has me so messed up? I'll use the words "they" and "their" to make sure that anonymity is still present, and to not assign a specific gender to this addict. An addict who I was very close to recently went back out and relapsed. Unfortunately this addict is g...

"With the love that I am shown in Narcotics Anonymous, I have no excuse for loneliness" ~ Just For Today p. 300 So I'm writing this post on my laptop while riding the bus. It's kind of funny all the looks that I'm getting while I'm just sitting here typing away. However, I have nothing else better to do and my phone needs charging so, here I sit. You know loneliness is a pretty easy thing to come by. I can't tell you how many times I've isolated myself from others during my active addiction. It was a fairly common thing to stay in, ignore people, and just use my drugs. Even when I was in the midst of other people I felt lonely. It was a pretty difficult thing for me to relate to anyone that didn't use drugs. When I first joined the Narcotics Anonymous program, I really didn't know how to act socially. It was something extremely foreign to me. I remember that I didn't really understand people or their emotions, mainly because the '...

"... we understand that the world's condition wasn't really the problem. It was our ideas and attitudes about the world that made it impossible for us to find a comfortable place in it." ~ Basic Text p. 55 You know, I was thinking about this today before I even read the Just for Today. It was pretty interesting that this was the topic for the Just for Today . I said a few weeks ago that I don't believe in coincidences anymore, and I'm coming to realize that if I open my eyes to the view around me that things usually are connected to each other in one way or another. So today was a pretty rough one. Unfortunately I can't say much because I don't want to violate our traditions and anonymity principals of the Narcotics Anonymous program. So, I'll just talk about the Just for Today . "Our attitudes and our ideas are the eyeglasses through which we see our lives. If our "glasses" are smudged or dirty, our lives look dim. If our atti...

So before I start answering this question, I actually had to look up the difference between 'effect' and 'affect'. For those of you who don't know, like I did, effect is commonly used as a noun, to show impact and or the result of something. Affect is commonly a verb and is used to show influence over something. You can affect something, and observe the effect of the affect. "You can't affect the creepy poem by reading it, but you can enjoy the effect of a talking bird." Just a little tid-bit of information for your day. "How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?" ~ NA Step Working Guide p. 2 Physically So over my years of drug use and abuse, I've affected my life physically in more ways then one. I've done many different types of drugs from hallucinogens like 25i-Nbome, to mood altering substances like MDMA. Pretty much every common drug except PCP, crack, and heroin. Each substance affected...

"Just for Today: I will set my own house in order. Today, I will examine my part in the problems of my life. If I owe amends, I will make them." ~ Just for Today p. 295 The title really does say it all. How many times have I not claimed responsibility of my own actions and tried to blame others for my own problems. That "look at the log in your own eye before you look at the splinter in someone else's" really stands out today. It's a difficult road accepting responsibility... but in the long run its necessary if I ever want to grow as a person... as a human being. I have focused so many times on other peoples problems, and focused less on mine. I guess thats mainly because I didn't want to accept the fact that I was human, and that I had problems in my life. I felt as though if I had problems in my life that I would be looked down upon and that I would be thought of as a piece of shit. However, not owning up to my own problems, and the part/role I ta...

"How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?" ~ NA Step Working Guide p. 2 Ahhhhhh yes, self-centeredness. The first thing that comes to my mind is also ego. I know that these are major character defects and I believe that they go hand in hand with each other. I'm always thinking about me, and how I can satisfy myself all the time, and how I can put myself above you. During my active addiction I would always say "I do what I want". It was sort of my slogan and motto. I never really cared about what I did, and this false sense of freedom that this gave me made me feel invincible. It was really tough to center myself and look at those around me and how my actions would affect them.  I have to admit that I really was completely out of control of my life. Even though I thought I had complete control, I really didn't. I was always thinking of me. The prime examples of this self-centeredness was mainly when ...

So I'm writing this post on Saturday October 7th, but I'm scheduling it for the future. I'm going to be doing this more often as to not overload my readers with too many posts and too much information on one single day. I'm going to limit my posts I believe to two per day depending on what the post is about and the length of it. Now onwards to the actual post! "When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?" ~ NA Step Working Guide p. 2  So, this question makes me really think. It's a difficult one to answer for myself, but yet its so easy. The short answer: Yes I do. As an addict I'm always thinking of the short-term and how to satisfy my need for short-term satisfaction. In my active addiction I was always going super fast, and never slowed down to think about how my actions would effect myself, the people around me, or the things around me. I always want...

"What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe" ~ Step Working Guide p. 2 This is a great question. Honestly, I haven't ever though about a pattern whenever it comes to my obsessive thinking. However lets start with the first question. Whenever I'm obsessed with something it feels like I have horse blinders on. It's like I can only focus on that one thing. I can really get obsessed with anything, good or bad. This obsession can be a double edged sword. For example, when I'm in a relationship, I get very clingy and obsessed with the other person. I can't let them go and I always have to be in control. If I'm not in control, I feel like the whole world around me is crumbling to pieces. On the other end of the spectrum, I can get obsessed with good things like cleaning. Too much cleaning just makes me loose focus on what else is going on around me. I get frustrated with the people that are around...

"As recovering addicts, we find that we are still dependent, but our dependence has shifted from the things around us to a loving God and the inner strength we get in our relationship with him." ~ Just For Today p. 293 So the Just for Today  is about rebellion, dependence, and coming to believe in a power greater then ourselves. You know, it's really interesting. Every day I read this Just for Today  I always feel as though that it's speaking to me in one way or another. That the Just for Today  was written just for me, and whats going on in my life. I've been struggling for a number of years with rebellion. So let's start there. At the age of 16 my parents split up. Looking back on the situation it was definitely for the best. I feel as though if they didn't split up that the abuse from my father, both emotional and physical, would have gotten worse. After they split I began to start rebelling. Skipping school, yelling at my mother and father, not ...

We have a choice between justice and mercy. Which will you choose? "Many of us have difficulty admitting that we caused harm for others... We cut away our justification and our ideas of being a victim." ~ Just For Today  p. 291 The Just for Today  reading is definitely a big one. In one hand we have justice, and in the other hand we have mercy. Mercy is often viewed as weak, inferior, and always ends in the person that was wronged never getting any reciprocation for how they were wronged. Justice is viewed as superior, the right way and the fair way, and usually ends in the person who was wronged getting even with the person that wronged them. Most people forget that whenever they are the ones doing the wrong, they never want justice to be enacted upon themselves. They always want mercy for their wrong-doings. That double standard is what causes so much controversy on this subject. "But if we take a look back on our own behavior, we may find that we've been...

Has my disease been active recently? In what way? You know, I really like the wording of this question. The second question doesn't say "If so, in what way?" it says "In what way?". This makes me aware that even if I think that my disease hasn't been active recently that it really has. I need to always look at my life on a daily basis and figure out, how has this disease reared its ugly head. Is it ego? Is it patience? What about isolation and depression. All of these things I definitely struggle with on a daily basis. I've heard it said many times in meetings that getting clean isn't for the feint of heart. This program takes courage and strength. It's really easy to get high. It's also easy to get clean. What is hard is staying clean and growing spiritually, mentally, maturity, and changing your life. I wrote a few days ago how I thought that my ego might have effected my way of thinking a few days ago at a meeting. It was tough admit...

I am feeling extremely drained tonight guys... Work kicked my ass, while the meetings were filled with awesome experience strength and hope! Today's Just for Today  was about ego and self-will. Thats definitely something I've been struggling with. It's really funny how the God of my understanding aligns things just the way I need to see them sometimes. "Our egos, Once so large and dominant, now take a back seat because we are in harmony with a loving God. We find that we lead richer, happier, and much fuller lives when we lose self-will" ~ Just for Today October 3rd, 2017 I currently live in a 3/4 house, to which if you don't know what that is I'll explain it for you really quickly. I live with a total of 6 guys, all in recovery, and we have two house meetings a week, and are required to go to meetings 5 nights a week for the first 30 days. Once we get a sponsor, it's up to our sponsor how often we should go to meetings each week after the first 30 ...

Just got home from tonight's meeting. Definitely trying to get some people to hold me accountable for this blog. I never in my entire life ever followed through with something long term. I have always thought in the short term. Always. I'm trying to change my way of life in order to keep clean. So, the three topics for tonight's meeting were: Anger Your Last Run Living In The Solution These are some great topics and all three of them have a common theme to which I'll get to that in a minute. Let's first talk about anger. It's something I've personally struggled with all my life. Seeing my father be quick to anger and quick to snap I think was the reason why I thought anger was an ok emotion to have. I know that when I was in active addiction anger was the first emotion I had when things didn't go my way. It was tough to remain calm. My motto was "I do what I want", that was including acting how I wanted, no matter if it was right or w...

What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me? So for a bit of inspiration on the question I turned to my favorite media platform, YouTube! I wanted to see what other people thought about "the disease of addiction", and weigh in on the subject. I found this TedX talk given by former Director of National Drug Control Policy, Michael Botticelli about his recovery and what people can do to loose the stigma of 'being an addict'. In the video Michael has a few very good points. Addiction first off is a disease. It has been proven time and time again. Over and over. It's very sad how Americans and people throughout the world view addiction as a moral deficiency rather then a disease. I believe that if the stigma was gone that the world would have less addicts. I know that when I was in active addiction, I was always fearful of admitting that I had a problem. I always thought that I was destined to be a criminal, and I was going to die by using drugs...

Through out this blog I will be actively posting my answers to questions asked in the Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guide . This guide was written by addicts for addicts to help the newcomer and the 'seasoned veterans' of the program work through the steps. This guide asks some pretty tough questions from what I've heard. I will be making a new post for each question asked. Each post will start with the question followed by my 'answer' or thoughts and reflections on the question. Some posts will contain more then one question, others will contain just one question. It all depends on how long the post gets. Through answering these questions honestly, I hope to share with you my experience, strength and hope. The Step Working Guide  goes hand in hand with the Narcotics Anonymous It Works: How & Why  book, also written by addicts for addicts. I would highly suggest checking out this book as well! It goes into more detail about each step and why each step is im...

So for those of you who do not know the Narcotics Anonymous Program, every day there is a short two to three paragraph daily reflection that is for the specific day of the year. The Just For Today  reflection is to be read daily and can be found here at this site:  http://www.jftna.org/jft/ I will be posting my thoughts on the Just For Today  (JFT) reflection every so often, this could be a daily thing or a every other day thing. Depends on the time. However I do want to do this often and fill up this Blog with my thoughts about how the JFT impacts me and my life. So here it goes! "We grasp the limitless strength provided for us through our daily prayer and surrender as long as we keep faith and renew it."  As an addict I never really had any "faith" in anything but myself. I always thought that I had control over everything. I knew that in my addiction things were never going the way I wanted them to no matter how hard I tried to change them. There was alway...

Welcome to all of those reading this! This blog is written by me, a 26 year old recovering addict living in the Greater Pittsburgh Pennsylvania Area! I'll be updating this blog periodically to include my thoughts, and views, on recovery and how it's effecting my life as a whole. I'll also be writing my complete and full story at some point along the lines to give you readers more insight about where I've come from and how drug addiction has effected my life as a whole. I'm currently working through the Narcotics Anonymous Program with my sponsor. I also regularlly attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings! I'm a recovering addict putting forth real effort this time in my recovery. I'm trying to apply the HOW of the program to my daily life, which is and always will be an uphill battle. More on that later. I'm by no means a professional writer, and my grammar and english composition skills probably have much to be improved on. However, I am giving you some ...